|Found here. I'm sorry, I can't find the original source.|
But genuinely, this is OK- not long after the interview, I realised that as cool as the job would have been, and as incredible an experience the interview was, I applied for the job based not on what I would be doing, but on where the job was and the organisation it was for. I don't think I applied because I wanted the job itself- which means that actually, I'm quite pleased to not have got it.
(For obvious reasons I'm not going to tell you all where the job was)
My boss also guessed that I'd gone to London for an interview (maybe he reads this blog? Oh. If so, HELLO J. Let me know, please?!)- which led to a slightly awkward but also very interesting conversation. He acknowledged that he understood why I'd gone, and was pleased for me, and also said "But it's true, I've often wondered what keeps you down here [in the South West] you know. I mean, you have your family, of course- but you could go anywhere."
And it really made me think. I genuinely have no idea what's tying me to here. And I could go anywhere. So why aren't I? What keeps me here? What brings us all back to where we originate?
Well, we all know I'm scared. I think we all are- as always, the "lack of logical next step" brings us back to, or keeps us in, the familiar in many cases. It's an incredibly brave soul who moves somewhere completely unknown- be that alone, or with a partner. Lauren, Meg, Nicole and Megan leave me with my jaw on the floor. I have just the hugest amount of admiration for the bravery these women possess, moving halfway across the world. And while some of them have since returned to the familiar, others haven't. It's something I wish I was brave enough to do- but I'm still not certain that I am.
I don't want to stay here forever. We all know that my money-is-no-object dream to go to patisserie school in Paris, live there for a while pretending to be Rachel Khoo, and return to set up a bakery/ tea room which also hosts a running club and book club. I want to go, and spread my wings, and really live. Sometimes, the weight of the memories here threatens to crush me. Sometimes, I hate the idea of going to Town and running into the people I went to school with. Sometimes, I wish I was absolutely anywhere but here.
But for now, the draw of the familiar is too strong. Any excuse- even if it does mean an eighty five mile round trip commute every day. Soon enough, something will force me out- Mama CupandSaucer could move, or I could get a job in London, or Cardiff, or New York, or Tokyo, or Paris, or some other force could pull me away. And I'm excited for that day, I really am.
Then yesterday, the same manager suggested I apply for an internal vacancy. So maybe he does want me to stay.