Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Feeling Like A Grown Up

I am feeling ever increasingly like an actual grown up.

It's bloody terrifying.


Aged about... 2, maybe? Sorry about the poor quality, this is a photo of a photo of a ....

Last July, looking vaguely ladylike at my graduation.

For example, today, I invigilated an exam. Invigilated it. Eight months ago, I was sitting exams myself. And the hilarious thing about today's experience was that some of the students in the room were older than me. I was terrified that the other invigilators would think I was a student when I walked in, so I wore a fancy pants grown-up outfit and my staff ID pretty prominently.

Clearly this whole "dress the part"/ "fake it 'til you make it" thing works, because the students had no idea that I was completely new to the whole invigilating thing. 

Now I'm very aware that 23 isn't exactly old, but still... In some ways, I really am starting to feel like an adult. I didn’t have the typical freak-out at turning 20, but when I turned 23 in January I felt that now, I really had a grown up age- I am officially a twenty-something.

I mean, I’ve finished university, I have a good job, I own my own car (oh, wait, sort of not really at the moment), I have a disposable income and pay into a pension for Christ’s sake- so in a lot of ways, I am an adult.

From here

But then again.

In a lot of ways, I really feel in limbo. I’m nowhere near having my own home, and I’ve got an alright job but it’s not a career (yes, I’m quoting Lily Allen, shhh)- or it could be, but I don’t know if I want it to be.

SO many people I know are having babies, or getting married. This scares me no end, because I am just nowhere near this point in my life, in more ways than one. I mean, if nothing else I’m single, which puts a halt on the whole getting married thing, and to the whole having a baby thing as it takes two to tango and all that jazz. But also, I am just not emotionally ready for any of that. I mean, I’m living at home for goodness sake- and although I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, secretly, I’m quite enjoying not having to do that at the moment. If I had to look after a tiny human, I’m sure I’d rise to the challenge, but right now- not something I need.

(That said, I’m probably the broodiest of all my friends- little kids properly melt my heart- but I do still quite enjoy being able to hand my two year old nephew and four year old half-sister back to their respective mothers when they start to get stroppy.)

I don’t know. I think at this stage in our lives, a lot of us enjoy picking and choosing the best bits of being an adult- getting to stay up til whatever time we like (though I have a self-enforced bedtime of 10:45pm on school nights), eating ice cream for breakfast if we want (though I’m a big fan of granola, porridge, and branflakes), having money to spend (on things like petrol and raincoats) and no one to answer to (though this again, isn’t strictly true)- but really, we would quite like to not have all the responsibilities that go with it.  I hated the fact that I had to deal with the fall-out from the accident- all I wanted to do was to ask my mum to do it for me, but of course, this just wasn't possible.

And my goodness I don’t feel like a grown up. I spend half my time at work thinking about running up and down the corridor screaming (it’s that sort of corridor); I splash my friends when we go swimming; I enjoy a good nap; I love getting to play hide and seek and Barbies with my little sister; and I still have a teddy bear (and what? Bet you all do too). And speaking to people older than me, it seems that this is a common feeling- like many others, I really don’t think I ever will feel like an actual adult.

Is anyone else completely terrified at the thought of being an actual-proper-grown-up now? Can we all go back to playgroup please?!

23 comments:

  1. Yes terrified, although now I feel depressed as I'm 25 and therefore over the hill.

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  2. ps. I actually am a bit less terrified than I used to be- when I was 22/23 (23's apparently meant to be the best year after 19- so live it up Al pal) I thought people who weren't married/with a house/ kids in their mid-late 20s were spinsters and weird, and definitely shouldn't be allowed out in bars or clubs. But then I realised that was me and I had to accept (or try to) that mid-20s is actually probably the BEST THING EVER.
    We have a few years before we need mortgages. So we waste a bit of cash on rent, but we can go ANYWHERE we want. And if the washing machine breaks, nahhhht my problem- landlord, you sort this out mate.
    Babies are cute. But you know those friends who are complete tagalongs and want to cling to you all the time, come round your house every day and never leave you alone? They'll be like that, always there. But covered in poo.
    Also, we're rich. Not richard branson rich, but being able to buy whatever you want and not worry about it sure beats no money and bags of free time that students have. so DON'T BE SAD. Kiss kiss kiss xxx

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    1. Emily, this comment made me laugh first time around, and has made me laugh again now. Thanks!! Think you're definitely right about actually living it up and not fretting about these things.
      And the babies as friends who never leave but covered in poo? BEST. THOUGHT. EVER. Put me right off having them for another five years AT THE VERY LEAST. Kisses in return!!! xxx

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  3. I have friends who are in the planning weddings and getting a mortgage time in life and I find myself having to block half of their talk out by going lalala in my head because I'm just not ready to think about grown up things like that (and probably still won't be in 5 years time). I still feel like a child, albeit a pretty damn independent child who lives in the city centre and is too busy spending her money on vodka, doughnuts and topshop to bother with silly things like saving for a deposit to buy a house. As long as I forget about that ever increasing number that is my age, I'm quite happy with where I am in life. Limbo land isn't a bad place to be. Until somebody brings up the sensitive subject of my age and then the panic sets in all over again.
    Kaz x

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    1. Hahahaha I also do the lalalalala thing, but fortunately my close friends aren't doing these things- just the people I was never actually friends with at school but am friends with on facebook and whose lives I like to look in on occasionally.
      I also think it depends on who's bringing up the age- old people lived in a different world (the past is a different country, and all that jazz) when everyone married their first love- thank goodness we don't live there now, can you imagine?! But yes, independent children for the win! (can't believe I just wrote that...) x

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  4. Hello! Hello! Just found your blog, it's very lovely. I feel exactly the same, I don't think I'll ever really feel properly grown up, and I'm knocking on a bit now! I used to laugh when proper grown up said that they still *felt* young, but to my horror I've caught myself doing it.

    I've always wanted to know how people amuse themselves when they invigilate exams? Did you do anything through sheer boredom like try and get people to look up using only the power of the cold hard stare?

    Kate
    Just Pirouette and Carry On...

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    1. Thank you lovely!!! Hahha I think everyone always feels young- my grandma definitely still does, and my great grandmother famously once said in response to a suggestion she went somewhere "Why on earth would I go there, that's for old people!"- she was 87 at the time.

      Re: entertaining myself when invigilating, I played games- so which student would be most likely to fail the exam, who was hungover, who had slept with half the cohort etc. And I wandered around a lot looking stern. But mostly, so many of them wanted to go to the loo I spent most of my time walking them back and forth!!! Cold hard stare is definitely one for next time though x

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  5. After this semester, I only have a year of college left - and I'm terrified! I had a complete nervous breakdown on my 21st birthday, and the thought of having to get a real job and apartment and all that scares the crap out of me. You're definitely not alone at all!
    <3 Kiersten

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    1. Don't be scared with a year to go!! Enjoy the rest of it and THEN worry. Real jobs definitely aren't all they're cracked up to be- I#d try to avoid that for as long as possible, if I were you xx

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  6. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ADULT. I turned 23 last month and I felt the same as you did, why did it suddenly hit me at 23? Why do I suddenly feel like I'm supposed to be more adult about things? Screw that! Sure, I'll make "adult decisions" when I need to (and I'll hate it...) but I sure as hell am not giving away my teddy bears any time soon!! Haha x

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    1. I think it's the fact that suddenly you actually sound like a grown up, and people younger than you are suddenly doing marvellous things like winning gold medals and being in One Direction (or insert name of artist of choice here). And I don't think I'll ever be giving my teddy away- we've been through too much together!! x

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  7. I'm 26 with 2 little terrors and I swear sometimes I'm the bigger kid of the lot. I am still such a big kid at heart, yesterday I was the one scootering on my daughter's scooter instead of her and I'll play with their toys for at least another 15 minutes til I've realised they've gone. You wouldn't believe the amount of T-shirts I have that have cartoon characters on, I really must get rid of some. We live with my other half's mum and we've just started the whole house hunting thing which is kinda making me feel a bit grown up, also mum's are way bitcher then I thought so it's like school all over again. Sorry for the wall of writing!

    Rhiannon x

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    1. I think being a child at heart is probably a really important thing when you're a mama! Props to you though lady for coping with two of them, I sure as hell couldn't do it right now!! Good luck with the moving and stuff- but having your own house will be so so exciting, it won't be scary that it's a grown up thing to do (even if you do have to think of grown up things like nearby schools and drains and is there damp in the living room...)
      Don't worry, I like the wall of writing!! xx

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  8. I was about to write a post VERY similar to this when I saw yours. I have recently turned the grand old aged of 22, and I feel exactly the same as you do. Is it time to start buying eye creams now? Well, I have, after scouring Boots every time I went in. Maybe prevention is better than cure? Maybe I'm just terrified of waking up and finding my first wrinkle? Or my first grey hair? (Although I now keep on top of redying my hair in order to avoid coming into contact to what one day will be, grey roots).

    I've been single for a year now, too, and I feel a little bit panicky about this - especially with a huge amount of people I know getting hitched and popping out sprogs. Just before my breakup I was plagued with "so, when are you and Joe getting engaged?" all the time knowing - actually, shit's hitting the fan. Where is the love of my life now? Oh that's right - I still see him every week and we're stuck in some limbo stage - too young to commit again, too old to cut ourselves off completely.

    Let's go play house, and eat sand, and pretend none of the past 18 years have happened... xxx

    The Simple Life of Emma

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    1. Great minds think alike pickle!! Oh goodness, I haven't quite made it to eye creams yet but now you're making me think I should- any recommendations?! Fingers crossed I should be ok on the grey front- my mum was fine until mid thirties, so hopefully I have a while before worrying about that yet!
      Gah, that sounds like a seriously stressful boy situation lovely- they are silly creatures aren't they!? But singledom is good, I think- I was single for two and a half years before my last relationship, and have been single for six months since then. INDEPENDENT WOMEN and all that?!
      But I'm all for playing house! Less so on the eating sand... x

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    2. I got a cheapish Vitamin E Eye Cream from the general Boots range (mostly to convince myself I wasn't actually buying it). It does actually work, lmao! I am SO independent it is unreal. Unless I'm ill, or drunk, or lonely. Haha! I mean, in reality, being 20-something and trailing a way behind your friends advances isn't that bad - I'll take my time. So long as you don't remember the next milestone birthday is....30. xxx

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    3. Ooh thanks, I'll keep an eye out for it! Mmmm I am independent in lots of ways- and definitely not in others. But yeah, taking time is improtant- doing things at your own pace, not just because you feel you should! Shhh we aren't thinking about 30 yet haha!!! xxx

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  9. Hey dont be sad - this is what your 20's in ;) xx

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    1. Yeeeeah being in your 20s is all about the fun things I suppose- I should be making the most of having no ties, not stressing about it!!! xx

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  10. Out of my mind terrified. Oh my gosh. I can't wait for Thirty.

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    1. Yeah... I'm hoping by 30 I'll have things a little bit more worked out!? x

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  11. I hate being an adult! I got a letter through to renew my car tax and all I kept thinking is "why do I have to spend £135 on tax?! Why can't I just go an blow it in Topshop!!!"

    Being an adult sucks but I wouldnt change it for the world.
    xx


    www.ittykitty.co.uk

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    1. Oh god I know, taxing the car is the most annoying thing EVER. WHY do we have to do it?! But you're right, some of the perks of being an adult are pretty damn amazing, and I wouldn't go back to secondary school if you paid me! xx

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