I am feeling ever increasingly like an actual grown up.
It's bloody terrifying.
|Aged about... 2, maybe? Sorry about the poor quality, this is a photo of a photo of a ....|
|Last July, looking vaguely ladylike at my graduation.|
For example, today, I invigilated an exam. Invigilated it. Eight months ago, I was sitting exams myself. And the hilarious thing about today's experience was that some of the students in the room were older than me. I was terrified that the other invigilators would think I was a student when I walked in, so I wore a fancy pants grown-up outfit and my staff ID pretty prominently.
Clearly this whole "dress the part"/ "fake it 'til you make it" thing works, because the students had no idea that I was completely new to the whole invigilating thing.
Now I'm very aware that 23 isn't exactly old, but still... In some ways, I really am starting to feel like an adult. I didn’t have the typical freak-out at turning 20, but when I turned 23 in January I felt that now, I really had a grown up age- I am officially a twenty-something.
I mean, I’ve finished university, I have a good job, I own my own car (oh, wait, sort of not really at the moment), I have a disposable income and pay into a pension for Christ’s sake- so in a lot of ways, I am an adult.
But then again.
In a lot of ways, I really feel in limbo. I’m nowhere near having my own home, and I’ve got an alright job but it’s not a career (yes, I’m quoting Lily Allen, shhh)- or it could be, but I don’t know if I want it to be.
SO many people I know are having babies, or getting married. This scares me no end, because I am just nowhere near this point in my life, in more ways than one. I mean, if nothing else I’m single, which puts a halt on the whole getting married thing, and to the whole having a baby thing as it takes two to tango and all that jazz. But also, I am just not emotionally ready for any of that. I mean, I’m living at home for goodness sake- and although I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, secretly, I’m quite enjoying not having to do that at the moment. If I had to look after a tiny human, I’m sure I’d rise to the challenge, but right now- not something I need.
(That said, I’m probably the broodiest of all my friends- little kids properly melt my heart- but I do still quite enjoy being able to hand my two year old nephew and four year old half-sister back to their respective mothers when they start to get stroppy.)
I don’t know. I think at this stage in our lives, a lot of us enjoy picking and choosing the best bits of being an adult- getting to stay up til whatever time we like (though I have a self-enforced bedtime of 10:45pm on school nights), eating ice cream for breakfast if we want (though I’m a big fan of granola, porridge, and branflakes), having money to spend (on things like petrol and raincoats) and no one to answer to (though this again, isn’t strictly true)- but really, we would quite like to not have all the responsibilities that go with it. I hated the fact that I had to deal with the fall-out from the accident- all I wanted to do was to ask my mum to do it for me, but of course, this just wasn't possible.
And my goodness I don’t feel like a grown up. I spend half my time at work thinking about running up and down the corridor screaming (it’s that sort of corridor); I splash my friends when we go swimming; I enjoy a good nap; I love getting to play hide and seek and Barbies with my little sister; and I still have a teddy bear (and what? Bet you all do too). And speaking to people older than me, it seems that this is a common feeling- like many others, I really don’t think I ever will feel like an actual adult.
Is anyone else completely terrified at the thought of being an actual-proper-grown-up now? Can we all go back to playgroup please?!